How, exactly, do people survive here?

So, once again, after dorms, killer apartments with terrible roommates, mediocre apartments with the greatest roommates of all time, amazing apartments with an amazing roommate, the floor of a trailer, shiitttyyyy apartments with amazing roommates and floody apartments minus one of those amazing roommates...I am once again about to be homeless.

I cannot stress enough how much I HATE this process. I would have LOVED to stay in VDC and had Pat & Andrew, but they wouldn't let us. I wouldn't have minded at all staying in RSJ, but I had no roommates since I am a failure at school. I would have KILLED to stay in the Renaissance with Lindsay, but we couldn't afford it. Now I move out at the end of August, I am going back to school (theoretically) so my budget has dropped considerably, and Linds is doing god-knows-what since she's got offers to live with other people and now just as much debt as me. Jeff wants his own place; which I get. I want MY own place, too! I want nothing more in life than to have a job that allows me to finish school AND live in a tiny-tiny studio that I don't have to share with anyone.

I used to be a dreamer. I used to think I could be a rockstar or on Broadway or an Imagineer, or own a bar, or all sorts of things. Now life has worn me down to the point where I can't even see a future in my wildest dreams where I can afford a studio apartment and a dog.

So what are my options?

Option A is to move home:
The Positives

1. Don't have to pay rent. (+40)
   
2. Dog & Cat. (+10)
   

The Negatives

1. Have to commute to OC 7 days a week (gas prices & traffic) (-40)
   
2. Have to commute to OC 7 days a week (inconsistent school/work schedules) (-40)
   
3. Have to commute to OC 7 days a week (hate everyone living in the 909) (-40)
   
4. Living with my parents. (-20)
   

Negative 140 points. OK, Option A is out.

Option B is to live with my brother, who is ALSO being pressured to move home:
The Positives

1. Neither I nor Trevor have to move back to Fontana (+80)
2. Rent of a studio is 40% cheaper (+20)

The Negatives

1. Living with my brother (-20)
2. Absolutely no privacy ever (-50)
3. Trevor has to pay his own rent by working even longer hours while trying not to fail any more classes. (-30)
   

Shitty, but at least it breaks even on the "Will Someone Find Me Hanging in my Closet 3 months in" scale.

Option C is some as-yet-undetermined mix of Option B with living with OC people. Trevor and I split a bedroom (hey, at least this plan gives us a door) and 1-5 people live in 2-3 OTHER bedrooms in some magical mystery dream house/apartment.

Add to all of this nonsense that cutting back on work hours in order to finish school means that, EVEN if I took option A with NO rent, I still won't be making enough to cover car insurance, phone bill, credit cards, school loans and gas $. That closet is looking better and better.

I can't do this.

lists = good

I started doing these "5 things" surveys on fBook and I got hooked. I was trying to think of all the shows I've been to, and I realized I've already forgotten roughly half of them. So I'm gonna use this post to list all the ones I can remember, and I'll come back and update it as I remember more shows. I'll try to go chronologically, but after a few it'll probably just be whatever order I remember them in.

Here goes:
-Sugar Ray w/Everlast & 2 Skinny Js
-N*Sync w/ some chick I don't remember
-Eve 6 w/American Hi-Fi & Sum 41
-Zebrahead
-Concert for Artist's Rights: Weezer, Offspring & No Doubt
-Weezer, Tenacious D & Jimmy Eat World
-Blink 182 w/ Fenix TX & Silverchair
-Blink 182
-KROQ Santa Anita Microbrew festival: New Found Glory, Fenix TX, The Living End, Save Ferris
-KROQ Almost Aoustic Christmas 2000: No Doubt, Papa Roach, Moby, Deftones, Incubus, Coldplay (first U.S. show), At The Drive In, 3 Doors Down, Fuel.
-KROQ Inland Invasion 2001: Offspring, Beastie Boys, Incubus, Social D, Pennywise, Weezer, Long Beach Dub All Stars
- KROQ Inland Invasion 2002: Sex Pistols, Offspring, Social D, Bad Religion, Blink 182, Pennywise, Buzzcocks, New Found Glory, X, The Damned, Unwritten Law, The Vandals, Circle Jerks, TSOL, The Distillers, The Adolescents.
-Cypress Hill Smokeout (I WORKED this show, so I don't know if it counts. I certainly wouldn't have been there if I weren't being paid for it): Cypress Hill, Snoop Dog, Bone Thugs N Harmony, Kottonmouth Kings, Circle Jerks, Everlast
-Harley Davidson 100 Year Anniversary show: Stone Temple Pilots, Billy Idol & Nickelback
-Jack's 1st Show: Cheap Trick, Billy Idol, Violent Femmes, Journey & Def Leppard
-Def Leppard w/Brian Adams
-Def Leppard & Journey
-Tom Petty & Jackson Browne
-Eagles of Death Metal
-Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
-Reverend Horton Heat
-Hootenanny 2006: Reverend Horton Heat, Tiger Army, Flogging Molly, Supersuckers, Horrorpops, The Living End, Wanda Jackson, Lee Rocker, and about 20 others on small stages
-Warped Tour 2006: 30 Seconds to Mars, AFI, The Academy Is, Against Me, Anti-Flag, Bedouin Soundclash, Bouncing Souls, Buzzcocks, Casualties, Gogol Bordello, Gym Class Heroes, Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, Less Than Jake, The Living End, New Found Glory, NOFX, Paramore, Plain White Ts, Rise Against, Saves The Day, Senses Fail, Silverstein, The Used, Zebrahead & others (OK, so I cheated and looked up the list on this one, sue me.)
-Foo Fighters, Hot Hot Heat, and Weezer
-Foo Fighters, Against Me, and Serj Tankian
-The Living End
-Flogging Molly w/ The Briggs
-Queen w/Paul Rodgers
-Bad Religion
-Bad Religion
-Flogging Molly
-We Are Scientists
-We Are Scientists w/Bishop Allen
-Brian Setzer Orchestra
-Buck-O-Nine
-Coldplay
-The Decemberists with Loch Lomand
-Everclear, Fastball & Marcy Playground
-Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band 40th Anniversary Concert: Cheap Trick, Aimee Mann, Joan Osbourne, Ian Ball, Al Jourgensen (from Ministry) & Al Laufer
-Good Old War & The Union Line
-Green Day
-Nekromantix, Horrorpops & Tiger Army
-The Aussie Invasion: The Living End, Jet, and The Vines
-Poison & Ratt
-Blink 182 & New Found Glory

OK - phew! That's all I can think of right now...I know I left out a lot of good shows (and I'm sure a few bad ones too). Now I think I'll rework this list into an fBook note that's categorized and has notes. Thanks for playing along with me on this exercise. I'll keep adding to the list as I remember shows.

On a psychological note:

This one is personal. Don't worry, I'll get back to bitching about work all the time later. Just getting this one off my chest.

I am never going to be able to move on from my DUI. It was 3 years ago this year, and it was a fluke thing after someone spiked my drink, but I still take everything I see as an indicator that I am a failure and an attempted murderer.

I have hardly been able to watch or listen to any of the news this week about the Angels' pitcher. I feel personally responsible for every drunk in the United States, and I don't know how to remove myself from that. I hear people go on their rants about how senseless a tragedy it was, and they're right. But at the same time, looking at all "drunk drivers" in the same light without taking their individual situations into account is wrong. Making me go to 9 months of classes, 6 months of AA, check in with my "case worker" every other week, pay tripled car insurance for 10 years, pay $10k in fines AND mark "yes, I have been convicted of a crime" on every job application for the rest of my life, all because someone spiked my drink? It's wrong. Beating a sense of guilt into me that I will carry with me forever over something that truly wasn't my fault is wrong.

So here I am, afraid to drive to my parents' house on any holiday weekend, because I know that I'll be confronted with 6 marquee signs on the freeway all saying, "Report drunk drivers" on the way home. Every time a cop passes me on the street I cringe, because I'm afraid he'll pull me over just to harass me (Anyone with a DUI can be pulled over with no cause for the next 10 years and asked to take a breathalyzer). Every time some irresponsible idiot drives drunk on a suspended license for the 8th time and kills a carload of innocent children, I have been conditioned to feel just as guilty as him.

Brittany says I have a control issue, and I can't accept that things simply happen; I have to tell myself they happened because of something I did. She's probably right, but how do I let go of this? All I know right now is that if I keep letting things that aren't my fault make me feel like I've failed as a person, I won't last long.

Crazies

I have a new favorite crazy-person-at-Disneyland story!

I'm the Lost and Found working lead (again. balls.)and Amber W. comes back to me and says "I think I have the crazy woman on the night. You're up." I rolled my eyes and went onstage. Little did I know at the time, she had the crazy person of the YEAR.

"I need to know who to talk to about taking back my business." she said forcefully.

"Uh...what business?" I ask.

"THIS business." she says, pointing at the floor/my counter.

"...Lost & Found?..." I venture a guess

"NO. DISNEY. MY BUSINESS."

"Uhm...I'm sorry mam, I don't think I understand. Are you a shareholder?"

"No. I DESIGNED this."

"Oh, are you an Imagineer?" I ask, as the other L&F guests start snickering and one man winks at me.

"NO! I DESIGNED ALL OF DISNEY!"

"Again, I'm sorry...do you mean the theme parks or animation or...?" (Thinking MAYBE she's not nuts and I'm just not getting something. More shocking things HAVE happened.)

"ALL OF IT. Disney! I designed...me and Mr. Linkletter....We...I DESIGNED THIS! I DESI...I need to talk to someone about taking back my BUSINESS!!! GET ME A SUPERVISOR!"

At this point, two guys at L&F walk away from the counter so she won't hear them laughing, and my CMs have one by one moved to the back and closed the curtain so they can listen. I have now given up on thinking it was me. She's clearly off her rocker, so I decide to mess with her just a bit. (We don't get paid enough to not find the fun in encounters like this!)

"I am the supervisor in this location mam. Again, if I understood better what it is you want, I could try to get you a phone number or contact information."

"You are NOT a supervisor for long, I will see to that! I want whoever is in charge."

"Who's in charge of me or who's in charge of the parks or...?"

"DISNEY."

"OK. Our CEO is B..."

"I AM your Chief Executive Officer!"

"Mam, Bob Iger is our Chief Executive Officer"

"Yes. Bob Ig...I am him. I am the Cheif Executive. I designed this!"

I stifle the biggest laugh EVER, and say, "Mam...I hate to disagree, but this was designed in the '50's."

"Yes, I know...the 50s...Don't you think I know that, I designed it! Art Linkletter and I designed it. And it WASN'T Mr. Disney, so don't try that. I designed it. NOw get me someone who can give me back my business!"

"OK, I'm going to get you my supervisor, one moment."

I go in the back and call Lauran with the best parting gift EVER. "Hi, Lauran? I have a woman who is quite irate over at L&F."

"What's her deal?"

"She claims she's Bob Iger, and would like possession of the Walt Disney Company back from Lost and Found."

"I'm not coming over there! Call security!"

So I did. Mike answers in the Com and I tell him I have a 10-99 at Lost & Found. He asks what the concern is, and I say "The woman is claiming to be Bob Iger and would like possession of TWDC back from L&F."

Mike laughs and says, "Really? OK, but I'm putting out over the radio EXACTLY the way you just said it."

"OK!" lol

A few minutes later 3 officers and Delta 1 show up and I fill them in. Unfortunately before they got there, the woman had approached Amber again (who had been the only one brave enough to go back out on the counter with her still there after I walked away). She yelled at Amber, "WHY was I directed here!"

"Uhm...I don't know?"

"I NEEDED GUEST RELATIONS and THAT'S over THERE!" she says as she points at the window.

"Well mam, we're ALL Guest Relations, so they can do the same thing there that I can here. The manager that's coming is the same person either way. You're welcome to go over there if you'd like."

"FINE!" she said as she went and lined up at Marissa's window. Luckily, this was when security arrived, so Marissa was spared (she got stuck with crazy Jasmine man 5 minutes later anyways.)

The woman was a bit calmer with security, but told them her story anyways. Security was smiling and nodding as she recounted her adventures in the 50s (she was like 35) with Art Linkletter designing "Disney". A few minutes into the story, however, and mid-sentance, she stops and says, "I want IHOP."

Delta 1 says, "OK, how about we go to IHOP?"

"Can I go through Downtown Disney?"

"No, You need to go out this way."

"OK" she says, and they follow her all the way to Harbor to make sure she's off property.

Scene.

Dear Ugly Girls...

...making a stupid fishy face in every picture you take will not distract people from the fact that you are obnoxious. In fact, it reminds them. That is all.

Over it all.

I am broke. I have borrowed money from my parents and grandparents just to pay the rent, and even after that I still don't have enough to cover utilities. I have had a 2 inch rip in the side of my work shoes for 4 months, and I would like to replace them. I have been living on Vons-brand macaroni and cheese since August, NOT because I'm a fatty but because it's 75cents a box, and I would LIKE to start buying healthy foods like salads so I could lose some weight. I have had a 13" crack in my windshield for a YEAR, and I haven't been able to afford the deductible on my insurance to get it fixed (and this goes for the thousands of dollars in body-damage as well), and outside of the pipe-dream of one day having a NEW vehicle with a back seat, I would LIKE to fix up the truck.

I would LIKE to go to dinner with you.
I would LIKE to go out for drinks tonight.
I would LIKE to go see Watchmen with you at midnight.
I would LIKE to visit you in Florence.
I would LIKE to visit you in Manchester.
I would LIKE to visit you in Accra.
I would LIKE to LIKE MY LIFE.

But I can't afford to right now, so stop giving me guilt because I don't hang out with you enough. You're right, BOTH of our bank accounts are overdrawn right now. Yet somehow you will get a tour that tips you well and you'll spend the whole thing on a flight to Hawaii to hang out with your guests because, 'Oh well, I'll pay back the people I owe money to NEXT time!', while I will do the responsible thing and spend the little money I have now that I HAVEN'T had a tour since New Years on paying off the $500 over limit credit card, the $2300 loan from my family, and the ungodly amount I owe on the education I can't seem to finish. And what will I get for doing the right thing?

Everyone I know will treat me like a bad friend who doesn't want to spend time with them.