Really?

Bah, humbug.

WTF, brain?

OK, so when I was a kid I used to get HUGE crushes on my cousin's older friends. It really all started when I found out that my first crush from the first grade (who doesn't like a 4th grader with a bowl cut?) had not, as I had assumed, graduated the 5th grade and disappeared into the mist, but had actually gone on to subsequent grades and become quite handsome. I found this out when he came over to a party my cousin was throwing for his *high school friends that I had somehow managed to wriggle my way into. (*high school boys were like rockstars back then. This was like getting a backstage pass for a Stones gig.) I went on to fall back into love with him and continued this crush-verging-on-obsession for WAY too long (AKA: I still Fbook stalk. It's ridiculous, but he's just SO DAMN PRETTY!)

Why tell this completely pointless story about Cody Masters and the fact that I never forgave his sister Megan Masters for having my name, because it meant I could never be Megan Masters? Well, because Cody wasn't the only one I fell for. The last one was my cousin's still-best-friend Mike, the incredibly smart raging asshole. Mike is 28, engaged, and a lawyer in NYC, and I'm really fine with all of that, because it was just one of those "forget about it until you're in a room with him" crushes.

Except I just found out that since we are the tallest, we will most likely be paired together at Vinny's wedding. (BTW, I have a "My Cousin Vinny", in case I haven't pointed it out before. It's pretty much the best thing in my life.) So now I'm freaking out because I know that in the desperate state I've been stuck in for the last few months I am not going to be able to hide my stupid-ass-giggling-idiocy from him, only this time it will be as I am taking his arm in a hideous green gown in front of his fiance. FML

Read this and remember that your job isn't as bad as you think.

Megan: Remember yesterday forever.

Yesterday I had the best tour I have ever had. It was a family of "day guests": Dad, Mom and Luke (age 5) with dad's sister and her kids, Jacob (7) and Clarabelle (5) (ps: !!Clarabelle!!), and Dad's co-worker "Big Jacob". They were polite, they were thoughtful, they were at Disneyland for the right reasons. The kids were adorable (I wanted to take Luke and Clara home with me and keep them forever) and well behaved. They listened to and appreciated my suggestions. They didn't expect me to babysit. They never even thought to ask if I could backdoor them, and were shocked to hear that others would ever expect it.

So remember them. Remember them when you hate Disneyland and everyone in it. Remember holding Clara as she played with your hair and called you pretty. Remember Luke insisting you hold onto him on all the "Jacob rides". Remember Jacob covering your jabot in chocolate while trying to offer you ice cream bar. Remember Mike's smile while he watched the little girls screaming at the Princesses. Remember Big Jacob's comment that "Eeyore must be the only Jewish Disney character, and the jealousy and excitement he had watching the kids and talking about his first baby on her way in June. Remember the moms and how much they appreciated YOU being the jungle gym for the day. Remember that Disneyland isn't a terrible place, even if the people who run it have forgotten. This is why you're here.

Just a short sidebar:

I needed to say this out loud, but I'm home alone and I don't want to cause drama on Fbook/Twitter, so I'll put it here where like 2 people will ever see it.

A big FUCK YOU! to Milissa Carter & Cheryl Galan. If you only saw the actual tour once or twice and you're asked for feedback, DON'T phrase your answers like you're the resident expert on the subject and DON'T give answers that bitterly attack the writing team. Tell me what worked and what didn't and make it clear that you only saw it in action once or twice. Milissa, you're a self-righteous bitch with no reason to be, and Cheryl, you're an idiotic yes-woman who manages to think you know everything when you usually spend the whole shift in the kiosk or RTS instead of helping your guides. If Rachel or Albert or Mirna gave me negative feedback, I'd be fine with it because they were there almost every night. Not from the lead who had 2 lead shifts the whole time. That goes for you too, Mary. As for Milissa's vicious feedback which neither addressed the questions asked NOR provided any suggestions for fixing the alleged problems? Who do you think you are? CCing the leads AND managers in your email slandering me? Even Stephen Stick-up-my-ass-since-steam-trains Odom managed to be CONSTRUCTIVE in his feedback.

So yeah, Fuck you two. /rant.

Home

Unpacking. Settling back into the "Fontana" feeling of "Please dear God, kill me." At least now I have my dog and cat.

The silver lining here is that I get to figure out ME again. When I left here the first time, I left knowing exactly who I was, because I had defined it as who I wasn't. Who I wasn't was someone who was going to stay in Fontana. And when I got out, I luckily landed in the exact place I wanted to be with the perfect people to be surrounded by, and I blossomed. I had more confidence and happiness in that first year than I have ever had in my life.

I will look at the time I will spend here as a "reset" button, so that when I escape again, I will be on track for a second Renaissance.

How, exactly, do people survive here?

So, once again, after dorms, killer apartments with terrible roommates, mediocre apartments with the greatest roommates of all time, amazing apartments with an amazing roommate, the floor of a trailer, shiitttyyyy apartments with amazing roommates and floody apartments minus one of those amazing roommates...I am once again about to be homeless.

I cannot stress enough how much I HATE this process. I would have LOVED to stay in VDC and had Pat & Andrew, but they wouldn't let us. I wouldn't have minded at all staying in RSJ, but I had no roommates since I am a failure at school. I would have KILLED to stay in the Renaissance with Lindsay, but we couldn't afford it. Now I move out at the end of August, I am going back to school (theoretically) so my budget has dropped considerably, and Linds is doing god-knows-what since she's got offers to live with other people and now just as much debt as me. Jeff wants his own place; which I get. I want MY own place, too! I want nothing more in life than to have a job that allows me to finish school AND live in a tiny-tiny studio that I don't have to share with anyone.

I used to be a dreamer. I used to think I could be a rockstar or on Broadway or an Imagineer, or own a bar, or all sorts of things. Now life has worn me down to the point where I can't even see a future in my wildest dreams where I can afford a studio apartment and a dog.

So what are my options?

Option A is to move home:
The Positives

1. Don't have to pay rent. (+40)
   
2. Dog & Cat. (+10)
   

The Negatives

1. Have to commute to OC 7 days a week (gas prices & traffic) (-40)
   
2. Have to commute to OC 7 days a week (inconsistent school/work schedules) (-40)
   
3. Have to commute to OC 7 days a week (hate everyone living in the 909) (-40)
   
4. Living with my parents. (-20)
   

Negative 140 points. OK, Option A is out.

Option B is to live with my brother, who is ALSO being pressured to move home:
The Positives

1. Neither I nor Trevor have to move back to Fontana (+80)
2. Rent of a studio is 40% cheaper (+20)

The Negatives

1. Living with my brother (-20)
2. Absolutely no privacy ever (-50)
3. Trevor has to pay his own rent by working even longer hours while trying not to fail any more classes. (-30)
   

Shitty, but at least it breaks even on the "Will Someone Find Me Hanging in my Closet 3 months in" scale.

Option C is some as-yet-undetermined mix of Option B with living with OC people. Trevor and I split a bedroom (hey, at least this plan gives us a door) and 1-5 people live in 2-3 OTHER bedrooms in some magical mystery dream house/apartment.

Add to all of this nonsense that cutting back on work hours in order to finish school means that, EVEN if I took option A with NO rent, I still won't be making enough to cover car insurance, phone bill, credit cards, school loans and gas $. That closet is looking better and better.

I can't do this.