On a psychological note:

This one is personal. Don't worry, I'll get back to bitching about work all the time later. Just getting this one off my chest.

I am never going to be able to move on from my DUI. It was 3 years ago this year, and it was a fluke thing after someone spiked my drink, but I still take everything I see as an indicator that I am a failure and an attempted murderer.

I have hardly been able to watch or listen to any of the news this week about the Angels' pitcher. I feel personally responsible for every drunk in the United States, and I don't know how to remove myself from that. I hear people go on their rants about how senseless a tragedy it was, and they're right. But at the same time, looking at all "drunk drivers" in the same light without taking their individual situations into account is wrong. Making me go to 9 months of classes, 6 months of AA, check in with my "case worker" every other week, pay tripled car insurance for 10 years, pay $10k in fines AND mark "yes, I have been convicted of a crime" on every job application for the rest of my life, all because someone spiked my drink? It's wrong. Beating a sense of guilt into me that I will carry with me forever over something that truly wasn't my fault is wrong.

So here I am, afraid to drive to my parents' house on any holiday weekend, because I know that I'll be confronted with 6 marquee signs on the freeway all saying, "Report drunk drivers" on the way home. Every time a cop passes me on the street I cringe, because I'm afraid he'll pull me over just to harass me (Anyone with a DUI can be pulled over with no cause for the next 10 years and asked to take a breathalyzer). Every time some irresponsible idiot drives drunk on a suspended license for the 8th time and kills a carload of innocent children, I have been conditioned to feel just as guilty as him.

Brittany says I have a control issue, and I can't accept that things simply happen; I have to tell myself they happened because of something I did. She's probably right, but how do I let go of this? All I know right now is that if I keep letting things that aren't my fault make me feel like I've failed as a person, I won't last long.